What is Sexual Desire Mismatch? Your Ultimate Guide to Connection and Harmony

Are you in a relationship where you always want sex, but your partner is never into it, or are you tired of your partner wanting sex all the time? Well, you are not alone. This is called sexual desire mismatch.

Sexual desire mismatch is also known as desire discrepancy. This is essentially defined as when one partner’s desire is higher or lower than the other’s.

If you happen to be in such a relationship with your partner, this article is for you!

So, let’s dive deeper into the details of what sexual desire mismatch actually is and how to overcome it.

The Concept of Sexual Desire Mismatch

Let’s first understand the difference between what we call;

• Spontaneous desire, and
• Responsive desire

Spontaneous desire is the desire that happens, that you most often see in the media. You see something, you want it right away, you immediately get desire and arousal, and want to have sex with that person.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is when you are spending time with someone, and you may develop that desire. Like you’re cuddling, you’re touching, you’re being intimate, and then the desire comes afterwards. This is completely normal.

Factors Contributing to Desire Discrepancy

Desire can change over the course of your relationship, meaning that you may have more spontaneous desire early on, or what seems like spontaneous desire, and then over time, you may just not get that excitement anymore because you’ve been with the same person for long periods of time.

This could happen for a variety of reasons. This can be lifestyle issues, meaning you have a certain time you want to go to bed, a rigorous work schedule, things to do in the morning, medical issues, your hormones not being in the right place, other medical problems, and on and on.

The important thing to know is that sexual desire discrepancy is extremely common. In fact, one paper reported it as high as 80% in couples. This makes sense because, during some portion of a relationship, it is common for people to have different levels of desire. It’s really impossible to think that you are always going to be in sync and have the same level of desire throughout your entire relationship. Things change with work stressors, family, kids, and so on.

Addressing Sexual Desire Mismatch

If this is bothering you, the key is being bothered because if it’s not bothering you, it’s not a problem that needs fixing. In fact, many people accept this as normal and know that there’s going to be some variation over time, and they’re not bothered by it.

But if it is bothering you, what can you do about it? Most often, people are bothered when they notice that the problem is persistent, meaning it’s been going on for a long period of time and continues to grow. If it’s a problem, let’s be real, this is a serious sore point for couples.

Here are a few things you can do to overcome sexual desire mismatch in your relationship.

Expert Recommendations

Realize that it’s normal

The first thing to know is that this is very common, so improve your knowledge and know that this is particularly common in long-term relationships. Desire, as mentioned earlier, is variable day to day, and not every sexual encounter is going to be mind-blowing. It’s totally normal to have mediocre sex every so often.

If you’re telling me you’ve never had mediocre sex, you’re not being truthful.

Realize that neither one of you is the problem. This is a relationship problem. Very often, the person with lower desire gets labeled as the problem because they’re using the higher-desired person as a benchmark. But this isn’t a problem with one person; it’s a mismatch.

Remember, we’ve ruled out other causes of low desire. So then we need to focus on the relationship. What does this desire mismatch mean to each of you? Could it mean that you, who is not getting the sex you want, feels less loved when your partner rejects you? And now you feel like maybe your relationship is in danger? Or if you’re the person who’s always saying no, do you feel like the only thing your partner wants is sex, and they don’t value the other things you bring into the relationship?

Improve communication and intimacy

In this context, you want to prioritize the quality of sex you’re having rather than how often you’re having it. Maybe it’s not just about the sex. It’s also important to talk about what types of activities you define as sex and what kind of activities make you excited. The next thing you want to do is focus on the actual desired discrepancy.

Usually, in these situations, both partners will either over or underestimate how much their partner actually wants sex. Understanding what each of you really desires can sometimes be eye-opening.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

We don’t know how to talk about sex, and no one taught us how. As a society, we’re generally pretty prude. But regardless, in order to have better sex, you need to talk. Talk about what you truly like, talk about the things outside of penetrative intercourse that you enjoy, because sex is not just penetration, and talk about what makes you aroused. But in order to talk about that, you yourself have to know what you like.

Expand Your Sexual Repertoire

Break the routine. Try to broaden the definition of sex in your relationship and consider expanding your sexual repertoire. Once you’ve done this communication about what you like, think about what you could do to expand your sexual repertoire.

There’s an actual thing called sexual boredom.

If you’re bored with sex, you’re not going to be excited to have it. How can you even start talking about increasing your sexual repertoire? First, make a list. Literally take a piece of paper, write down every sexual act you like or think you might like: oral, anal, manual, kink, whatever. Write it down, sit down together, and compromise. Gradually work your way into trying different things.

You may even try doing something called “sensate focus,” which means essentially that you slowly work on increasing physical touch without the goal of penetration. This can help both partners figure out what they’re really into, what are their erogenous zones, and incorporate that into their sexual repertoire.

Generally, sexual therapists will recommend doing this twice a week for 10 minutes. You also want to schedule time for intimacy. I say intimacy, not sex, and a lot of people don’t like this, but it’s really to take the pressure off, let you rebuild and have the fun of connecting physically, and create opportunities for sex rather than expecting both partners to be ready to go at the exact same time in the exact same moment.

Real-World Solutions

Normalize it

Normalize having sex without desire once in a while. It’s okay sometimes to please your partner with sex and give them a present. You don’t want to do this all the time, but once in a while, it’s not a bad thing for your relationship. Work on positive rejection. Try to find ways that are positive and respectful to actually tell your partner, “No, I’m not into it tonight,” or “this morning,” or whatever time of day it is.

Focus on improving the relationship. Data suggests that people who are in more satisfying relationships are often less bothered by the discrepancy.

Now, if you feel like maybe you’re too close to your partner, you may need to undergo something called differentiation, which restores the feeling of “me” individually and “you” as separate entities.

Masturbate together

One study recruited over 200 participants in the United States using social media and asked open-ended questions about things like desire, arousal, and how they deal with sexual desire discrepancy.

The most common answer was not surprising: masturbation, usually alone.

Some participants also responded that they dealt with sexual desire discrepancy by masturbating together.

Others tried to be close physically without actually engaging in sexual activity. Lastly, they communicated. They let their partner know that they were not interested in having whatever type of sex, and it wasn’t because of them. Maybe it was because of the time of day or the environment.

They then looked at these different activities and combined these results, and they looked at which people had the best relationship satisfaction. Overall, which activities were the most successful in terms of dealing with the desired discrepancy?

They found that generally things that you do together, like communicating, engaging in another activity together, or having sex anyways, were actually the most helpful. Less than half of the people who did an activity alone, like masturbation, thought it was helpful. These people, in general, also who did things together had higher rates of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.

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Conclusion

If you are struggling with sexual desire discrepancy, playing the blame game doesn’t help anyone. You and your partner need to work together. This is a relationship issue, and it may take some time. It will, unfortunately, require you to communicate with each other.